Choices

At the moment, I’m feeling less than joyful. It’s one of those days where I have to remind myself that joy isn’t a feeling, and that while I can’t talk myself into a good mood, I can choose how to respond to the people around me.

I can choose to yell, to snap, to be cranky—holding onto the feelings of disappointment and anger that threaten to take over my day. Because it didn’t go as planned. I slept late, and so was rushed getting the boy to pre-school (no matter how many times I tell myself ‘it’s just preschool’ it doesn’t matter, I still hate being late). Then the cleaning people that were supposed to come this morning tell me that they can’t come until between 12pm and 2pm: pick up time, naptime. So helpful.

People aren’t calling me back. They aren’t working to my schedule. Don’t they know I only have the babysitter this morning?

Word vomit. That’s what this feels like. Maybe if I get it all out, it won’t stick to me. That’s how it works, right? Sigh. Except I know how vomit works. You have to clean up the mess afterwards…

And so I’m back to grasping… Grasping at the joy that I seem to lose every time things don’t go my way. Asking God to please fill me up with it, so that there is no room for the annoyance, anger and stress. Why do I let them win?

I know it’s a choice, and yet it’s a choice I have such a hard time making. Choosing to go play baseball with a child, or go write, or go pray—instead of losing myself and my sanity to the list that never gets done.

Today, as every day, I need help to make that choice. I simply ask God to help me choose well—to help me to see the grace He offers and let go of all the things.